I wear my heart on my hips

When something is not right inside most people are able to conceal it. They are good at wearing a mask, putting on a happy face and going with the punches. Many times you are able to fool those around you, conceal the real pain you are feeling inside. Perhaps it’s not pain, its disappointment, anger or overwhelming sadness. Whatever it may be some of us are better than others at hiding what goes on in our hearts and our minds.

I unfortunately, am one of those people that is a walking advertisement for when things aren’t right.  I gain weight. Not just a little “oh I gained a pound” kind of weight. I gain 40lbs in a short space of time. The worst part is that at first I don’t notice. It’s when the people around me starting asking me what’s wrong? They want to know why I have done this to myself AGAIN.

fat 1.jpg Me 35lbs heavier

Honestly, gaining weight never seems to bother me as much as it does those around me. I always get comments about my weight and how I looked so much nicer before and how could I have let this happen.  I am not bothered by it because I know I will eventually lose the weight and look like my normal un-swollen self.

I was lying in bed trying to fall asleep and something someone close to me said a few days ago popped up in my mind. “Why does this keep happening”.  Again, I honestly don’t know. All I know is that since my dad passed away five years ago I seem to be stuck in this cycle of weight gain. It creeps up on me every year.

me and dad.jpg One of the last few times I got to spend with dad

I do great from May to August. I work out, I stay active and I make sure I cook healthy meals for me and my family but something happens around September that knocks me back silently. I stop wanting to socialize. I want to spend a little longer in bed, I want to give myself a break from working out, I want to binge watch every show and  I want to indulge a little more. Before I know it I have completely erased all of my good habits and replaced them with unhealthy ones. Day after day goes by and the pounds start piling on. Of course I don’t notice until I am 40lbs heavier and my face looks like someone inflated me.

fat 2.jpg Me starting to gain weight

Since my dad passed away suddenly from cancer I feel like there is a whole in my heart. I manage to patch it most of the time and carry on but there are times when everything unravels. I don’t know what the trigger is. I try every year to break out of this cycle. To stay on track and stay healthy but I lose every time. I went to counseling for almost a year and that helped me work through the loss but it still wasn’t enough to break the cycle.

skinny 2.jpg My normal un-swollen face

I started to wonder about the people that are good at concealing things. When do they notice that things have gotten bad? What indicators do they have that something is wrong and needs to change? My weight gain can be embarrassing but at least it lets me know that I am not yet right. That I have to continue to get to know myself better, to figure out what causes this and to learn from it. Today I write from my 37.5lbs heavier body (not yet 40lbs) aware that once again I fell into the cycle, but also determined to come out the other side a little bit wiser and stronger (and lets face it, hopefully a little bit skinnier)!

skinny 3.jpg Me in my healthy body

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I get by with a little help from my friends….

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A number of studies have shown that an individuals sense of happiness and overall well-being are enhanced through good friendships. From the moment we are infants and we are able to socialize we start trying to create bonds with the people we interact with the most.

From what I have observed with my kids in childhood friendships are often based on the sharing of toys, and the enjoyment received from performing activities together. As parents, we are the ones in charge of making sure these friendships are maintained by organizing play-dates for our kids or taking them to various activities where they can interact with other children.

Growing up I was always good at making friends. I am not naturally shy or introverted so I was able to approach kids I thought would make good friends.Friendships got a little complicated when I was 13. I remember a lot of tears, disappointment when I realized certain girls didn’t want to be my friend anymore and a lot of confusion. I know this is totally normal when growing up but I was happy when at 14 I made the most amazing group of girl friends. There were about 12 of us and we were inseparable. We all liked to do well in school, we all enjoyed sports and we all looked out for each other. When I was 16 I moved to boarding school in France and was faced with having to make new friends.

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After I finished high school in France and had made some good friends from different parts of the world (Holland, Scotland, New York, France, Italy, Belgium) I moved to England for university.

Making friends in University in England involved a lot of drinking. Basically, if you didn’t drink then you didn’t socialize. So a drinker I became!! I made two good friends, Nat and Caroline,  in my first year and somehow that was all I needed.  I see university as the best years of my life. I met so many interesting people, traveled and had a lot of fun.

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When I graduated and moved to London I found it harder to make friends. Maybe it was the fact that only three months after graduating I got pregnant or that I worked in an office with only three other employees. All I know is that suddenly the only friends I had were my husbands and the ones I had from university.

Scientific studies have shown that loneliness and a lack of social support have been linked to an increased risk of heart disease, viral infections, and cancer, as well as depression. I can say I have experienced the depression side of things personally.

When I moved to California, I was once again I faced with making new friends. Having a five year old daughter gave me hope. I thought that surely I would be able to make good friends with the others moms I met. Unfortunately, that was a lot harder than I realized. When my daughter started kindergarten I realized that most moms were so relieved that they finally had some kid free hours in their day. They would drop off their kids and walk away before I had a chance to introduce myself. When it was time to pick up the kids they would chat to the people they already new and weren’t very open to meeting new people.

Then I decided that I would try and make friends through the moms of kids my daughter was friends with. Only problem with that is that at her age when I arranged a playdate the mom would drop off the kid and come back later…..so much for my brilliant idea!!!

After months of feeling really lonely and isolated I was finally able to become friends with two moms. That was a life saver. I would go for walks with one of the moms after we dropped the kids off at school. It made such a difference in my life.

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The real change happened after I had my son last year. All of a sudden I had access to a group of new mommies who needed friends just as much as I did. When you go from not having kids to having them your friendships change. Maybe you have kids at the same time as your friends and you enter that new season together, but that is not always the case. More times than not a new mom has all this free time during the day with their little baby and they are also desperate for some adult interaction.

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I joined a bible study group with lots of new mommies and a mommy and baby workout class called Stroller Strides. I finally hit the mother-load for new friendships. These moms are my lifeline. They cheer me up when I need it, they encourage me when I think I am failing as a mother or as a wife. They make me laugh, they help me with my kids when I need it and they WANT to hang out with me. I cant imagine my life without them.

mommy friends

The only thing I hope for is that when our new babies reach school age we don’t become closed off and alienate other moms who are looking for friendships. It is so easy to stay in our comfort zone or to be selfish and closed off and think to ourselves “well, I have enough friends” or “I really don’t have the energy to make new friends right now” but you never know when there is a person out there feeling alone and isolated and in desperate need of a friend or maybe even just some friendly conversation.