I wear my heart on my hips

When something is not right inside most people are able to conceal it. They are good at wearing a mask, putting on a happy face and going with the punches. Many times you are able to fool those around you, conceal the real pain you are feeling inside. Perhaps it’s not pain, its disappointment, anger or overwhelming sadness. Whatever it may be some of us are better than others at hiding what goes on in our hearts and our minds.

I unfortunately, am one of those people that is a walking advertisement for when things aren’t right.  I gain weight. Not just a little “oh I gained a pound” kind of weight. I gain 40lbs in a short space of time. The worst part is that at first I don’t notice. It’s when the people around me starting asking me what’s wrong? They want to know why I have done this to myself AGAIN.

fat 1.jpg Me 35lbs heavier

Honestly, gaining weight never seems to bother me as much as it does those around me. I always get comments about my weight and how I looked so much nicer before and how could I have let this happen.  I am not bothered by it because I know I will eventually lose the weight and look like my normal un-swollen self.

I was lying in bed trying to fall asleep and something someone close to me said a few days ago popped up in my mind. “Why does this keep happening”.  Again, I honestly don’t know. All I know is that since my dad passed away five years ago I seem to be stuck in this cycle of weight gain. It creeps up on me every year.

me and dad.jpg One of the last few times I got to spend with dad

I do great from May to August. I work out, I stay active and I make sure I cook healthy meals for me and my family but something happens around September that knocks me back silently. I stop wanting to socialize. I want to spend a little longer in bed, I want to give myself a break from working out, I want to binge watch every show and  I want to indulge a little more. Before I know it I have completely erased all of my good habits and replaced them with unhealthy ones. Day after day goes by and the pounds start piling on. Of course I don’t notice until I am 40lbs heavier and my face looks like someone inflated me.

fat 2.jpg Me starting to gain weight

Since my dad passed away suddenly from cancer I feel like there is a whole in my heart. I manage to patch it most of the time and carry on but there are times when everything unravels. I don’t know what the trigger is. I try every year to break out of this cycle. To stay on track and stay healthy but I lose every time. I went to counseling for almost a year and that helped me work through the loss but it still wasn’t enough to break the cycle.

skinny 2.jpg My normal un-swollen face

I started to wonder about the people that are good at concealing things. When do they notice that things have gotten bad? What indicators do they have that something is wrong and needs to change? My weight gain can be embarrassing but at least it lets me know that I am not yet right. That I have to continue to get to know myself better, to figure out what causes this and to learn from it. Today I write from my 37.5lbs heavier body (not yet 40lbs) aware that once again I fell into the cycle, but also determined to come out the other side a little bit wiser and stronger (and lets face it, hopefully a little bit skinnier)!

skinny 3.jpg Me in my healthy body

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